Moving from Despair to Hope After Trauma
Content Warning:
This article contains mention of sexual violence and trauma. Please utilize the “Quick Exit” button on the top right if needed.
Calm waters and boats at Kallady Beach, Batticaloa. Image: Laxana Paskaran.
Preface: Healing looks different for everyone. I share some action items in this essay that feel right and work for me. Listen to your body, your mind, and soul. Connect with people you trust to aid your journey. Prioritize your self-care. And most importantly: don’t forget to breathe.
…my hope is necessary, but it is not enough. Alone, it does not win.
But without it, my struggle will be weak and wobbly.”
– Paulo Freire.
Breathing
“The analysis you are sharing with me is amazing, but I don’t want to know about that. I know you’re smart. I want you to tell me how you are feeling inside.” I stared back at my therapist, wide-eyed and in complete silence. I didn’t know how I felt inside. Besides wasn’t it her job to tell me that? I left that day’s session with a print-out of instructions for a variety of breathing exercises.
About a year prior to this particular encounter with my therapist, I was lying in a hospital bed, staring aimlessly out the window, when I realized I could no longer ignore the pain. I let years pass me by without acknowledging the state of despair that regularly cast a shadow over my day. My body had finally given up.
Upwards of 15 (and counting) visits to Sunnybrook hospital, two MRIs, and a neurological condition later, I am learning to breathe again. However, the internal shift from despair to hope wasn’t always easy.
How was I feeling inside? I wasn’t entirely sure.
“I let years pass me by without acknowledging the state of despair that regularly cast a shadow over my day. My body had finally given up.”
Writing
Redefining hope after trauma, or in my case after the resurfacing of trauma from sexual assault I tried my very best at tucking away, required a level of introspection I had never engaged in before. I considered it an arduous task, one I consistently tried to avoid, but my body reminded me in ways I could not escape. Following a series of excruciatingly painful headaches, temporary moments of blindness and my vision blocked by flashes…I started to write.
I meticulously documented every feeling, every knot in my stomach, every time my chest closed up. I referred to a list of body reactions to anxiety my therapist shared with me. I started paying attention to my body. Turning to the print-out of breathing exercises, a resource that remains the only décor on my bedroom wall till this day, I invested in my healing journey. I wish I could describe the process as smooth sailing but it isn’t. Some days are indeed easier than others but every day comes with its own unique challenges.
How was I feeling inside? Constantly oscillating between calm waters and sudden bouts of large waves.
Calm waters and geese at Port Union, Scarborough. Image: Laxana Paskaran.
Redrawing Boundaries
It would be disingenuous of me to say that hope was absent in my life. In fact, it was present all of the time, mainly intertwined with my commitment social justice. Without hope, the struggle ceases to be as strong as it ought to be. And therein lies the irony of it all. The pedagogy of hope as revolutionary praxis informed my involvement in movement building yet, I struggled to make it an integral part of my own healing.
After a decade of what felt like repeatedly running head first into a wall, I am saying no to opportunities that fail to nurture me. As I step into new roles this year as a writer, an educator, and graduate student, I am redrawing boundaries that keep me safe.
How am I feeling inside? Calm and hopeful.
Resources:
A List of Sexual Assault Centres (Ontario-Wide) offering free counselling and information about sexual violence: https://sexualassaultsupport.ca/support/
If you are currently experiencing an emergency, please contact:
Good2Talk - Helpline for Post-secondary Students 24/7 Ph: 1-866-925-5454
Toronto Rape Crisis Centre: 24/7 Ph: 416-597-8808
First Nations, Inuit, and Metis Hope and Wellness Line 24/7 Ph: 1-855-242-3310
Support Service for Male Survivors of Sexual Assault: 24/7 Ph: 1-888-887-0015
Gerstein Crisis Centre Ph: 416-929-5200
LGBT Youth Line: Ph: 1-800-268-9688
Access your nearest walk-in clinic or hospital emergency department or call 911
