Expressing and Receiving Love
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“‘We accept the love we think we deserve.’ The Perks of Being A Wallflower”
According to Gary Chapman, the author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, there are five main ways we give and receive love: acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts. In this article, we explore all five love languages in relation to our lived experiences. The relationship we have with ourselves is an integral part of how we express love. Further, understanding how trauma shapes how we receive, and express love is crucial when exploring love languages and what feels right for you. While Chapman wrote the book with heteronormative couples in mind (he is a pastor), love languages are often used among any relationship, not just romantic. Using these five love languages are guidelines, we explore how they show up in everyday life and how trauma impacts how we engage with each language.
Acts of Service
Speaking on friendship, Abi* mentions that acts of service is closely tied to growing up in poverty in Scarborough. “I remember growing up in a cockroach infested apartment, on welfare and my parents relying on neighbours and other family members to help get some chores done. I didn’t think much of it because I understood it as community and assumed that’s how everyone did it. This kind of expression of love is what holds community together.”
Physical Touch
In Chapman’s book, the chapter on Physical Touch barely touches the surface of the conversations around consent, especially in the context of a committed romantic relationship. It is important to remind ourselves that despite our love language being physical touch, consent is always mandatory and ongoing.
Words of Affirmation
Chapman writes, ““The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.” Exploring different types of words such as kind, encouraging, humble and various dialects, Chapman highlights the importance of words that “build up.” “I’ve experienced words of affirmation at work, actually. In a way that my supervisor was very supportive and verbally expressed her appreciating for my hard work. That was truly the first time I experienced words of affirmation in a setting where I felt I needed that encouragement,” shared Jen*, making the connections between words of encouragement and supportive work environments. In hierarchal workplaces with clear power structures in place, words of affirmation for new and upcoming professionals in any field is beneficial for everyone involved. The lines of communication remain open and safe for employees by building one another up.
“Further, understanding how trauma shapes how we receive, and express love is crucial when exploring love languages and what feels right for you. ”
Quality Time
“A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity…. Togetherness has to do with focused attention,” writes Chapman, almost alluding to the fact that many of us spend time together while almost always being on our phones. The time we spend together, as Chapman suggests, is dependent on how attentive we are in that space. Scrolling through social media while sitting with someone at dinner is not quality time. Communicating to partners and friends that quality time is closely tied to focused attention is key in exploring this particular love language.
Gifts
“Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts,” writes Chapman. While he is not wrong, there is another analysis of gift giving that isn’t entirely explored in the book: the concept of disposable income in a relationship. “When potential partners buy my extravagant gifts, it signals to me that they have a lot of disposable income. And I think as society we expect men especially to provide in that way, so for example even if its flowers, it’s a way they share that they have enough money to take care of you. We place men in the position of being the caretaker, financially,” responded Siv* in relation to gifts and what that means for her.
*Names have been changed upon request for anonymity.
