Forbidden Words
It was a typical Friday evening. I had just returned back from my college and my family was watching a program on a Tamil television channel. This program telecasts clips from scenes of a particular actor or actress every week. That week, it was Nayanthara. After some popular clips that showcased her best performances, next came the iconic scene from Vallavan. This scene started with both the actor and the actress making small talks leading eventually to a steamy kiss. By this time, my family members have started shifting in their seats, looking at mobile phones and talking about some unrelated topic among themselves. When the actor leaves after the kiss, my family starts to look back at the television again. But that didn’t stay long when the actor comes back, lifts the actress and takes her to the bedroom.
Now, this is something that’s scarcely witnessed by the viewers of Tamil cinema almost a decade ago. My dad changes the channel, and my grandma starts talking about how the recent Tamil films are destroying our culture. I didn’t even flinch for a second during all of this happening on and off the screen. This is the typical reaction of any conservative Tamil household. In fact, I was actually surprised that my dad didn’t change the channel when the kiss started!
The repercussions of living in a conservative household
Any scene that involves kissing (even on the cheeks), hugging or a couple being romantic and cheesy is forbidden. Forget the action of kissing or romance; the words like ‘sex’ and ‘kiss’ are prohibited from the household dictionary. I can even go as far as to say that I have never uttered the word 'kiss,’ 'sex,’ 'lover,’ 'kadhal,’ 'romance ‘bf/gf’ and any other sexual terms ever within the four walls of my house and never until I was over 18 years old.,’
I never knew, until my early 20s, that kiss is not a ‘bad’ word. That kiss is not only a semblance of sexual desires. That it can also be about pure, unadulterated love like the affection between a father and a daughter or a brother and a sister. While Tamil movies don’t necessarily teach us the right and wrong in a sexual relationship, growing up without a semblance of knowing what sex or kiss really meant had gross repercussions in my life soon after.
How would I know what the right and wrong touch means if I never knew that something of this sort existed?
How would I know the protective measures to take if I didn’t know the right way to do it?
How would I be sexually active when sex was constantly equated with shame at home?
All of these came to bite back later in my life.
“Forget the action of kissing or romance; the words like ‘sex’ and ‘kiss’ are prohibited from the household dictionary. ”
Sex and shame
Sex is the most natural occurrence on the planet; driven by hormones and desires, the reason for our existence and should be enjoyed. If society shames people who talk about sex or even use any word remotely related to sex, how will a young mind grow up to feel about sex?
Shy, embarrassed, uncomfortable and oblivious of the world of sex.
That’s how I went into the world — ashamed to engage in any romantic relationship. Varkha Chulani, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, summed it up neatly in a Times of India article:
“Nobody is born sexually averse. Restricted, prudish ideas of sex and sexuality create tremendous anxiety and guilt. This is evident during puberty when parents shy away from talking about the healthy aspects of sex with their children.”
It took me a long time, well after my marriage, to unlearn the inherent opinions of sex and romance I was indirectly fed and start leading a healthy, sexual life. I don’t blame my family for all I had to go through in my sexual life. This is the way they were raised and what society expects from them. It takes a lot of courage for one person or family to break out from this mold and normalize the concept of romance, let alone sex.
And I aim to do just that — starting with this article.
