In Limbo
Image: Unsplash
Have you ever wondered if you were in a limbo with someone you’re romantically interested in? Think about it… They say all the right things to you, maybe it seems like they’re showing interest in you, they make you feel special, you’re interested in this potential. But you haven’t had the talk about being in a relationship or being exclusive. You’re constantly confused and anxious. The other person wants something serious but wants to take their time. Do you trust the process or do you ask? I found myself doing all the things a girlfriend would do without a label. For example, buying a gift card for their coworker’s birthday, which of course they returned the money for. But who asks for a favour like that? Now, I know we’re moving away from defining or putting a label to relationships, but something was off. I knew I was stuck in a limbo, but couldn’t exactly put a finger on what it was. After 3 months of hanging out and going on dates, I was ghosted. Everything seemed fine, but what happened? I realized I was in a situationship when I first read the term on an Instagram post and searched it on Urban dictionary.
According to Urban Dictionary and Oxford Dictionary, the term situationship means “a romantic relationship that is and remains, undefined and unestablished. It’s less than a relationship but more than a casual encounter or booty call.” It’s a fairly new term that has been added to an existing list of terminologies that have come out during the modern age of online dating. When you are close and intimate with someone, it’s hard not to catch feelings. There is a physiological explanation to this! When we are cuddling, having sex or hugging someone we like, a hormone called the oxytocin, is released. This bonding hormone is associated with enhancing social bonding, well-being and decreasing stress. So, when emotions build up, it sucks! Situationships are ambiguous, frustrating, anxiety-provoking for a partner who wants more than something casual. It can feel like you are being gaslit, walking on eggshells, the communication is unstable and inconsistent, and you are always doubting yourself. When a situationship ends, a lot of unresolved feelings linger. A relationship that never began ends; there was nothing really to break off. Individuals who come out of a situationship often feel guilty, ashamed, and regret wasting their time and energy on something that was fruitless. I felt extremely hurt after I was ghosted in this situationship. Why? It hurt a lot when I realized that I was romanticizing a potential. It hurt when I realized that words spoke louder than action. It hurt because I cared. It hurts because momentarily I abandoned a part of myself. It hurt because I felt like I betrayed myself for someone else.
Commitment can be very scary and navigating that relationship with a pressure to commit can be daunting. This is why situationship works for some people. Like all relationships, there are pros and cons to a situationship. According to Travis McNulty, a Therapist, situationships can alleviate the pressure and expectations of starting a relationship. It allows the individuals to grow closer without the added pressure of being in a relationship looming over their heads (NBC News, 2019). It can also be a place of self-growth and learning about what works for your in a relationship. It is intimacy without commitment. However, where it can move into a harmful territory is when one person in the relationship wants more. When the situationship isn’t hitting those milestones and isn’t progressing to other stages of the relationship, it can feel frustrating and anxious. It can result in toxic behaviours such as passive-aggressiveness, anger outbursts, and toxic communications.There are so many social media references that highlight what situationship. Situationship can be convenient for folks who are not looking for something serious and are probably not able to commit, but are looking for something during their vacation. For example, like Emily in Paris. She moved to Paris to work for one year but found herself in a situationship with a handsome French man. However for many like me, they’re not usually aware that they were in a situationship until after it’s done. I came across an Instagram reel that spoke about situationships and that when I realized that the limbo I was in, the ambiguity was actually a situationship.
Situationships are a result of lack of communication and not establishing clear boundaries. When your needs and intentions aren’t clearly addressed, it can cause a lot of uncertainty. It is important to understand, identify, and communicate your own needs as you navigate relationships. It’s just as important to communicate any concerns that arise to avoid any sort of confusion, even if it means rocking the boat a little bit. Many of these issues around communication, feeling anxious to not rock the boat, can come from our own upbringing and attachment styles we’ve developed from our childhood. This reflects how we navigate other relationships in our lives, particularly romantic relationships. The attachment theory was first developed by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby to understand parent-child attachment. Our own trauma or unresolved trauma can impact the way we interact in romantic relationships. When these traumas aren’t addressed and you haven’t healed, it can be triggering. It’s important to be attuned to our needs, our triggers, and begin healing. Situationships aren’t all good or bad, it really depends on individual needs. What can you do about it?
Know what you want. Your needs, your desires. What are you looking for?
Know what you don’t want.
Recognize healthy relationships. It should be about trust, respect, intimacy, and open communication.
Communicate. Rock the boat a little bit and have an open line of communication.
Situationship is not for everyone. It’s important to have clear boundaries and trust your instincts. If something feels off, address it and communicate it. The worst thing you can do to yourself is not addressing your needs and concerns and trusting your gut. Always put yourself and your needs first. Prioritize yourself first! You get to call your own shots! You are the captain of your own ship. The main character in your own story.
