Is My Body Broken?
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As a 24-year-old Tamil woman, the conversations around me regarding sex have evolved rather beautifully, from hushed admittances in private rooms to public discussions of sexual liberation amongst women in my community. Tamil women are becoming more vocal about their sexual experiences, both in terms of pleasure and pain, and truthfully, I could not be prouder of this progression. However, with these more candid discussions, one can’t help but start to reflect on personal sexual experiences and how they may ‘measure up.’ Of course, this is a toxic game to play, but inevitable, nonetheless.
Despite my adequate sexual experience and losing my virginity as a teenager, I have yet to experience the mystical and ever-elusive female orgasm. I know for many women that may be shocking to read, but believe me, I’ve heard everything you could imagine. As a teenager, this seemed insignificant. Perhaps because of the predictable shyness around the topic or a lack of experience. It was never much of a discussion amongst women around me. However, women finding their voices, owning their sexuality and with a generally greater interest in female pleasure, it feels as though the orgasm is the centre of dialogue amongst young adult women, and rightfully so. I want women to feel confident about demanding pleasure in their sexual relationships; truly, it is the epitome of feminism and healthy sexual and romantic relationships. But, what about women like me?
As a woman in touch with her sexuality, who has a loving and attentive partner, I have never had a female orgasm. This has become a shameful admission for me, especially in rooms full of women. The instinctive response is always that perhaps, I’m not having sex ‘correctly’, or I haven’t ‘discovered my clitoris.’ Truthfully, I don’t know why. I may never know why, or perhaps, one day, it’ll just happen. I am absolutely sure it’s not because I haven’t tried, and not because my partner hasn’t tried either. One thing that certainly does not help when discussing this openly are the condescending responses I often receive about my sex life and my partner. I’ve received unwarranted suggestions of masturbation techniques and sneers about how my partner must perform in the bedroom. Truthfully, my partner and I have amazing sexual chemistry that was almost instant, a certainty that made falling in love quite simple. Yet, women almost instinctively assume the opposite, since I haven’t had ‘the Big O.’ These conversations began to force me to ask myself, ‘is my body broken?’
Reflecting on this now, it frankly feels absurd. How has dialogue around the female orgasm made me so insecure about my sex life and the functionality of my body? It was the faces and responses of women I knew which made me question whether I truly had a satisfying sex life, which in itself, upsets me. How does someone who has little clue about the intimacy between my partner and me tell me whether or not my sex life is satisfying enough for me? While I hope that I can get there one day, I refuse to let anyone delegitimize my intimate private life by their standards. This discourse may feel frivolous, but I write these words to encourage those who read this to remember that when someone chooses to share such a vulnerable part of their lives with you, they are doing just that. Discussions around sex and pleasure can be an insecurity for many women, so tread lightly and put forth your best efforts to provide a safe and comfortable space without ridicule. Whether or not I get there one day, I can guarantee one thing, and that is, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my sex life or my body.
