Kinks and Boundaries
TW: This article makes mention of sexual kinks.
Image: Unsplash
"The first-time a (casual) partner attempted to choke me, I choked him back. He was flabbergasted for a second, and then he stopped!" recounts Prema (30), who was new to being choked in bed in her mid-20s. "It came as a surprise because we hadn't talked about this," she explains that the lack of communication and prior consent threw her off, and she took the act as a violent gesture upon her body. Over half a decade later, she now ensures she and her partner have detailed conversations in advance about what is acceptable and what isn't when it comes to practicing safe sex. Both communication and consent go hand in hand, especially if fetishes are involved.
Prema, who initiated her present long-term partner to food-play, says he was hesitant to start with, "It took us a few conversations in advance to try to make him comfortable since it was my idea." Since these conversations, she and her partner have experimented with candy lingerie, whipped cream and chocolate. She says, "food is a great way to heighten pleasure for both together even though chocolate could really be messy and candy lingerie usually only fits petite bodies." The bottom line for them was to have a chat in advance.
Sexual kinks often emerge at the meeting point of personal boundaries and pleasure. For some, boundaries are stretched thin, and for others, the boundaries are re-negotiated while learning more about themselves. "I consider myself an extremely kinky person and I am sexually positive," says Marina (31), who lists "watersports" as one of her favourite fetishes among a long list of activities she has tried in bed. The first time she tried a golden-shower as foreplay with a friend turned casual partner, she enjoyed herself. "I remember listening to him explain, and it was the ickiest thing at the time, but when I tried it for the first time, it really turned me on." She adds that she initiated peeing on her partner's hand to make herself comfortable instead of having him pee on her. Since comfort is the bottom line when trying anything new, she says, "before you get yourself hot and heavy trying kinks, ensure you are in a safe and consensual space with another person you can trust completely."
However, not all sexual kink negotiations and boundaries are drawn are as serendipitous as that. Marina shares that her last ex-boyfriend's kinks threw her off. She says, "he wanted to see me with other men, in gang-bangs and orgies and as a serial monogamist, I couldn't get myself to accept those ideas." There was immense pressure on her boundaries, too. She explains, "At some point the conversations kept coming back to negotiating my consent— if I can't do certain things, then he'd rather not be in a relationship with me." She adds that the sexual manipulation and tension around the things she was unwilling to try added pressure on her. After their split, her sexual boundaries, which were constantly questioned at the time, left her with a bitter aftertaste in her mouth.
A common question for those unfamiliar with their fetish preference remains arriving at an understanding of what they may or may not enjoy. While the easiest way to reach your preferences is trying them in bed, it is not often as simple as it seems, especially if your partner is hesitant and not too keen. Khushi (29) explored her preferences alone with the help of external sources such as watching porn and reading erotica until she met her current partner. "I started understanding my need to be dominated when I read erotica since I preferred the bondage genre. I gradually moved to watching porn around the theme and exploring other things like role play," shared Khushi. Years later, when she found herself in a relationship with a companion who was on the same page as her, they started getting to know their fetishes via banter in bed. She adds, "For us, it started with light, flirtatious talk to set the mood when we both shared our kinks. He is into feet, and he requested for a foot job. I had never given one since none of my old boyfriends or hookup were into feet, but I didn't mind trying", she explains while adding that giving a foot job does nothing for her but seeing her partner excited is the high point of indulging in kinks. You can build up the mood by asking your partner what they enjoy while also sharing your kinks and, in turn, trying them when you are together to see what works and what does not.
Though porn isn't the best yardstick because the kinks are usually always extreme, it is still a common source of learning for a large number of sexually active adults. Khushi adds, "I considered myself interested in impact play, and I got off to videos of extreme hurt, but today I know I hate that. I could only figure my fetishes fully when I tried them with someone". Porn doesn't always work, but it is a good starting point when you're going in blind to explore your sexual kinks out of curiosity. Even if you are single, one way to know what sets your mood and doesn't is through reference points in media.
However, porn and other traditional media references may set unrealistic ideas about fetishes for people. Sukanya (26) says her experience as a bisexual woman indicates people taking visual reference in porn too literally. "I have seen men fetishize bi-women as "lesbians" and that anything to do with "butt-stuff" is "gay" since it involves sticking things in the ass." She adds, "sticking a finger in the ass does not make men gay neither does two women kissing each other in a threesome video". Massive ignorance, lack of sex-ed and a rampant culture of homophobia prevalent in the society around fetishes, sexual kinks end up in the form of judgement calls and are often normalized as labels for individuals indulging in them. "There is a sense of judgement, especially if your kink is, in a manner of speaking, niche," says Sukanya. She explains, "one single act or indulging in your fetish does not make your whole personality. It's just a part of who you are".
(The identities of all respondents have been concealed for confidentiality)
