Like an Avalanche: Non-linear healing and community resistance
CW: Mention of Intimate Partner Violence and Domestic Violence
Image: Unsplash
I am a survivor of intimate partner violence, but this is a hard truth that I have a very challenging time accepting. Intimate Partner Violence is a type of domestic violence perpetrated by an abuser to gain power and control over another person. Abusers inflict physical, emotional, spiritual, economic, sexual, psychological abuse to maintain power and control. I constantly undermine and minimize my own experiences as I have a hard time believing that I was in a toxic and abusive relationship. The worst I have experienced was emotional and psychological abuse.
It lives on with you like the grudge sitting on your shoulder. You try to shake it off, but you can't. For me, the long-term impacts of emotional and psychological abuse are brutal. I have never been able to label it as intimate partner violence until now, and even then, I question whether it is true. With the support of my friends and family, I ended my relationship almost nine years ago. I immediately channelled all my focus and my attention to myself, but I never healed. I was too afraid to go down that path of self-healing and feeling all those emotions I once felt and have it come rushing back like an avalanche. I shut it all out. But our bodies work in mysterious ways. When we try hard to suppress those memories and thoughts to our unconscious minds, our body remembers it all too well. Your body stores all memories, the good, the bad, and the ugly, becomes activated with a familiar smell, sound, touch, taste, or place. A beautiful sunset can trigger an unexpected and suppressed emotion. Part of the abuse is when the abuser isolates you from your social support. This means that your relationship with your loved ones gets severed. It took me some time to repair my relationships with my family and some of my friends. My friends who know me well know that I go above and beyond for my family and friends. I now have a strong relationship with my brothers and my parents, and I've made sure that I'm also available for my friends whenever and wherever I can.
Domestic violence in the Tamil community is rooted in colonization and patriarchy, and many films, music, and literature perpetrate these acts of violence. The Tamil community collectively experiences the intergenerational and communal trauma of domestic violence in the home. Tamil proverbs like Adikkira kai thaan anaikkum and kallaanalum kanavan pullaanaalum purushan are examples of abuse that many folks have heard growing up. This normalizes the behaviours of violence in the home. Additionally, the uncertainty of what life will look like after they leave an abusive relationship also deters women from leaving relationships. Normalization of abuse and domestic violence in the home and relationships silence Tamil women from speaking out and seeking help. Women are often encouraged to stay in abusive relationships for the sake of their children, if they have children or to keep the relationship alive for the sake of family honour.
Near the end of 2016, a friend of mine approached me, and we talked about domestic violence. We have heard about stories of domestic violence in the Tamil community on the media, but it was never explicitly stated as such. We knew of women personally or stories from other people about families in abusive homes. We realized that there is not enough awareness around domestic violence, and we felt it was essential to educate and bring attention to this pandemic. ISEE INITIATIVE was established in March 2017. The organization was founded by Tamil women who are survivors of domestic violence.
In September 2019, ISEE INITIATIVE was involved with the repatriation of Tharshika Jeganathan, a young Tamil woman who was brutally murdered by her estranged spouse on September 11, 2019. This horrific incident shook the entire community. ISEE INITIATIVE started a GoFundMe page to support repatriating Tharshika and sending money to her family as she was the sole financial support for her family members. ISEE INITIATIVE, with the support of other Tamil community members, held a vigil for Tharshika. CBC invited my colleague and me to interview us about Tharshika Jeganathan and the prevalence of domestic violence. My colleague and I spent approximately 2 or 3 days on long phone calls and in-person meetings, researching materials on domestic violence and root causes, preparing speakers notes, consulted with some of our other colleagues doing gender-based violence work, and really prepared for this interview to ensure that it was foolproof and had no means of taking our words out of context. When we saw the interview on social media and television, we were surprised. The media altered the story to present domestic violence as a Tamil issue. Changing and "othering" the narrative of domestic violence to a particular community or region of the world paints a dangerous and false image of North America. An image that associates violence of this magnitude as only occurring elsewhere and in non-white communities. Our work at ISEE INITIATIVE is a vital intervention in resisting harmful narratives that consistently view racialized women as needing to be policed, violated and controlled.
ISEE INITIATIVE has a hosted several events to bring awareness of domestic violence in the Tamil community. Our goal is to normalize this conversation and have people talking about this issue as it continues to plague the Tamil community. Currently, ISEE INITIATIVE holds monthly workshops online to explore various topics related to domestic violence or family violence and the consequences of this violence. We understand that domestic or family violence is not limited to partners in relationships but can extend to child abuse, sibling abuse, and elderly abuse. We also do talks about domestic violence and supports on various Tamil media platforms. We facilitate a peer support group in Tamil for Tamil women who are survivors of domestic violence and provide other necessary supports that address survivors' needs.
This year, the theme of International Women's Day is "Choose to Challenge" and choose to call out gender inequity and inequality. This also means speaking out against domestic violence. In the past year, the world has seen a spike in domestic violence due to COVID-19. Over many decades, we have seen many successful strides made by women, particularly Tamil women. Tamil women have been unapologetically taking up space. Unfortunately, challenging and fighting against gender-based violence is an ongoing uphill battle that has been setting us back. We hope to continue anti-violence work to address and dismantle domestic violence that is a part of gender-based violence through the work we do.
