My Itchy Journey to Self-Love
Growing up within the Tamil Community, the way your body looked was always so important. Women who were skinny, tall, and light-skinned were admired and flooded with compliments. All of this was a result of the community’s internalization of Eurocentric beauty standards. What haunts me to this day is the number of comments I have received about my body - especially during family occasions. A friendly hello to someone at a party can lead to remarks like, "You got darker, you used to be so light" or "you look like you gained weight, you looked better before." I would often find myself in shock and disbelief, as I tried to ignore the judgmental comments directed towards me.
Almost a year and a half ago, I found out that I had eczema. It left me with scars all over my body as I scratched at my skin to relieve the irritation. The feeling is unbearable. My neck was the worst; it was always dark and dry. It left me incredibly insecure. I would constantly ask my friends or co-workers if they noticed the marks on my neck. I would find ways to cover it, especially with my long hair. I always had my hair down; you rarely caught me in a bun or ponytail. I've had family members come to me saying, "take a shower; you look dirty and unclean," even after I had stated that it was eczema. As I thought about those remarks, I would begin to cry; it left me in a dark place. I started to overthink, and soon it was all I could think about. I remember the times I would stand in front of the mirror after my shower...pinpoint all the scars on my body, and cry. At that moment, I did not feel beautiful, and I hated how I couldn't love my body and be confident in my skin. I was left frustrated and depressed. See, that's the thing about the Tamil community: people are willing to shut you down with negative comments when you don't meet their "expectations," with little care to how you feel about it.
However, I was not the only one experiencing this. I started to open up to my friends and found out that some were also dealing with eczema. We would share our stories, often asking each other questions and offering solutions on how to help. We would talk about products that helped us or even some of the remarks we received from others about our skin. To cope with the stress and anxiety induced by my eczema, a tip I received was to exercise. Over a few months, I began working out. It helped keep my mind focused, and I used it as a source to release my frustration. It was an escape from the negativity. It's been 286 days and counting since I started working out; I have never felt happier with myself.
Yes, I still have days where my eczema bothers me, but I've learned to move past it. To be insecure is to be human. We all have insecurities, but I have worked hard to regain the confidence that I once had. It's still a work in progress, but I am happy. I've accepted my flaws, and I know my self-worth. Those comments are never going to stop, but I've learned to move on from it. I don't need to waste my time on negativity when I know that I can create my positive space.
My eczema will always come back; I have accepted this. It will never truly disappear. I know I will never meet the Eurocentric beauty standards often upheld by the Tamil community, nor would I ever want to. These standards and expectations leave women questioning their bodies and confidence. The marks and scars left behind are a part of me, but they do not detract from what makes me, me - no matter what other people think. I know that I am a beautiful woman - just like everyone else - in my unique way.