The Shadowed Conflict of Choice
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Spoiler alert: Bridgerton Season 1 (Netflix)
Shonda Rhimes’ Bridgerton took over the internet, dominating every other social media platform with memes from its plot to its lead actors. Although the first part of the series is a will-they-won’t-they (we already know they will) between Daphne Bridgerton (Phoebe Dynevor) and Simon, the Duke of Hastings (Regé-Jean Page), a substantial part of the series showcases the perspectives of these characters’ towards parenthood.
When it comes to having children, they are opposed - Daphne desperately wants to become a mother, and Simon wants his family line to end with him.
Through the course of the show, we watch Simon’s choice to be childless blatantly violated. The underlying reason for his choice may be childhood trauma overshadowing his desire to be a father, but to “be with child” is relentlessly the deal breaker in this drama and one that is finally given into.
Parenthood is almost a non-negotiable expectation if you are of South Asian heritage. If you are a woman, chances are that you have heard "I want to see my grandchildren/great-grandkids before my time is up” from your elders. It does make you wonder if to exist is to procreate. Nothing seems to stop older folks in the community to consistently condition girl children (regardless of the gender identity they choose) towards being the ‘suitable’ bride, wife, and eventually mother. Not only are women supposed to have children, but they are also supposed to want to. There does not exist a conversation of why someone would not want kids, but rather a more defiant sense of betrayal that one chooses not to have one.
“You’ll change your mind”
We seem to place the actions of extending care, responsible behaviour, and welcoming people into our space towards an eventual path of parenthood. It seems that these traits automatically qualify you to off-hand comments and intrusive questions of why you need to be parents or how you will come to choose it anyway. Because why would one choose otherwise when the template of “how things are done” is handed to you? The inevitability of marriage and maternity clings to societal perception, fuelled by patriarchy and language that seeks to accuse and/or consistently disrespect a person’s choice to remain childless.
“Oh, you’re going to regret it.”
“You say this now. You’ll change your mind.”
“Oh, but you’ll make a great mom!”
“Don’t you want a family?”
“Who will keep you company/take care of you when you get old?”
We willingly vilify autonomy, more so for women.
During the political explosion surrounding abortion in the 1960s and 70s, women fought back against the position of a homemaker, demanding the power to choose to parent or not. To eliminate “sexual classes,” feminist writer and activist Shulaminth Firestone, in the Dialect of Sex, writes that it requires “the seizure of control of reproduction: not only the full restoration to women of ownership of their own bodies but also their (temporary) seizure of control of human fertility.” Today, almost 50 years later, we’re having the same conversation around women’s right to choose.
Not to be viewed as caretakers.
Not to be viewed as labour with lesser or no pay.
Not to be conditioned with “ending up with someone nice” all their lives.
Not to be typified into motherhood.
Not to be gaslighted into “having it all.”
To just, let women choose who to be, a person beyond the identity boxes that have long been set for them, not by them.
To reclaim our bodies
“The inevitability of marriage and maternity clings to societal perception, fuelled by patriarchy and language that seeks to accuse and/or consistently disrespect a person’s choice to remain childless. ”
It is no surprise at this point that being able to belong to yourself is political. Parenthood is inextricably linked with one’s access to birth control, abortion, adoption, as well as laws against infanticide and infant desertion. These decisions traverse beyond broken social structures that constantly exclude women from healthcare and are not free from patriarchal bias. In her powerful TED talk, Christen Reighter narrates her experience seeking sterilization and how medical practitioners themselves turned into roadblocks, a system of medical paternalism that restricted her claim over her own bodily choices.
It is a frustrating reminder for women to keep emphasizing that reproduction is not the only means to parenthood and that choosing abortion is far from indifference or selfishness.
Analysis and explainer articles about how Millennials and Gen Z choosing to remain childless is bad for the economy are aplenty. It is almost as if these writers are at the dawn of realizing that the advert for parenthood is packaged to serve the economic system and not the other way round. Yet the very tone and approach seem far from this epiphany.
Raising a child comes with costs, preparation, space, parental responsibility towards their child’s mental health and wellness, and understanding that a parent’s behaviour and choice in raising the child will have an indelible impact on how the child comes to perceive themselves and the world.
Without expectations, without people hindering our space, and without justification, we deserve to belong to ourselves first.
References:
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jul/09/childfree-society-not-built-for-motherhood
http://www.ginetteparis.com/books-2/psychology-of-abortion/
http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm
Meeussen, Loes, and Colette Van Laar. “Feeling Pressure to Be a Perfect Mother Relates to Parental Burnout and Career Ambitions.” Frontiers in psychology vol. 9 2113. 5 Nov. 2018, doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02113
Jaffe, Sarah. Work Won't Love You Back: How Devotion to Our Jobs Keeps Us Exploited, Exhausted, and Alone. United States, PublicAffairs, 2021.
