The Trials and Tribulations of Revenge
Content Warning:
Mention of sexual violence
Image: Unsplash
I remember watching the music video for Rihanna's Man Down for the first time. I was too young to fully comprehend the layered nuance of Rihanna's brilliance at the time. But now, I reflect on the messages of humanity and dignity weaved throughout the song and the video. I would argue that Man Down isn't just a revenge fantasy. It may be interpreted differently, especially considering the conversation it opens up about remorse and the implications of revenge itself. I often describe revenge to my friends as a fleeting moment of catharsis. Fantasizing about it feels good, but when enacted, it rarely provides the lasting internal peace we seek. Although revenge can feel powerful and can symbolize, punishment does the opposite of making anyone feel good. It continues the cycle of violence. For survivors of sexual violence, revenge can often feel like an effective accountability process; in reality, it may not result in the justice survivors wanted in the first place. Stories of revenge can be an essential part of letting go and reclaiming power. For example, Maya P.*, 29, shares the importance of mythology in channelling her anger. "I do fantasize about revenge quite a bit. I remember being so angry. Like Kannagi, my anger was enough to burn a city down. I found so much power in stories and mythologies like Kannagi and the burning of Madurai. Although I am sure there are multiple versions of the story, my understanding is that Tamil women are powerful enough to destroy systems that undermine them. I needed that story to relate to. But I also know that in reality, it will never pan out the same way. On a personal level, I know causing more harm won't give me the feeling I seek." However, not all revenge fantasies critically involve the audience in the same way Rihanna does through Man Down or are as powerful as Kannagi's story.
“I often describe revenge to my friends as a fleeting moment of catharsis. Fantasizing about it feels good, but when enacted, it rarely provides the lasting internal peace we seek. ”
Mainstream revenge fantasies that center survivors of sexual violence as perpetrators of violence against their abusers in elaborate Hollywood scripts embody several flaws that Transformative Justice organizers have cautioned us about in regards to revenge. This form of revenge fantasy we see on-screen works to solidify what we know is often synonymous with white women: carceral feminism. Although we have repeatedly witnessed rape-revenge fantasies dramatized on-screen (the 2020 movie Promising Young Woman comes to mind) and have received a lot of applause, my thoughts are always with how this transpires in real life. Additionally, how can we support survivors in honouring their feelings of rage and anger without playing a role in causing more harm to others? In a video series on community accountability by the Barnard Center for Research on Women, Esteban Kelly from AORTA shares, "Centering the needs of survivors is an important guiding principle, and we need to remember to hold that in a complex way, that it doesn't mean the survivors are suddenly, that they dictate everything. These are people who are coming from a place of harm and trauma, from a place of rage, and so what's tricky is how do you honour that, how do you create a tremendous amount of latitude and agency for their voice in shaping what needs to happen, including naming what their needs are, without being paternalistic, by balancing it, and being like, "Yes, and we need to think about what's in your longer-term interest, not just what you're feeling just in this moment." Shifting the narrative away from the person who causes harm and centring the survivor embodies the collective shift towards a culture of care and consent.
For Jennifer L.*, 26, no form of revenge or punishment would contribute to her healing journey. "My abuser passed away almost ten years ago. When he died, did it make me feel good? Yea, in that moment and probably only in that moment. I no longer had to be scared, but it didn't heal me. I still experience anxiety attacks. I still lay in bed for hours, days, weeks. It took me a long time to realize that revenge or wishing harm upon my abuser, or anyone for that matter, wasn't going to make me feel better," she said.
The book Beyond Survival has been an integral part in my own healing journey and will end off by sharing an excerpt from it below. In the book, Anti-carceral feminist and activist Elizabeth Long reminds us that, "Expressing revenge fantasies can feel liberatory. Acting on revenge fantasies usually doesn't." Long shares tips for survivors on how to challenge anger and rage in the book’s section 20, titled: Vent Diagrams as Healing practice:
Let yourself experience the fantasy completely.
Write it out, as many times and as many ways as you want.
Do a photoshoot. Check out queer femme photographer Kenzi Crash's revenge fantasy photo series, Coming for You.34
Punch a pillow. Kick a pillow. Stab a pillow.
Vocalize your revenge fantasy to trusted supports (with consent).
Start a martial arts or weightlifting practice.
Scream!
Listen to "Goodbye Earl" twenty times a day.
Watch Thelma and Louise.
Take it to the batting cages.
Ask beloveds to intervene if you move toward behaving vengefully and to support you in making decisions aligned with your values and safety needs when it comes to sharing any of the above publicly.
*names have been changed upon request for anonymity.
