Death to Gender Reveal Parties
Image: Unsplash
A lot has changed since 2008. In 2008, Barrack Obama ran his presidential campaign completely opposed to same-sex marriages. He has since changed his views. He even documented his growth in his book A Promised Land, apologizing for using homophobic slurs while a teenager. I use Obama as an example, but I have seen similar growth amongst my peers during this period. In 2008, the Canadian Armed Forced set up a booth at Pride for the first time for the sole purpose of recruitment. Since, representation politics have rightfully come under fire for sweeping the systemic violence across Canada and the US under the rug. Queer and Trans community organizers continue to challenge police and military presence at Pride due to the connections between the security state apparatus and the violence towards marginalized peoples, namely Black and Indigenous folks. As I’ve mentioned, a lot has changed in individual and collective consciousness around issues of inequality. However, there’s something we continue to do, that in my opinion, we just haven’t had enough open and critical conversations about: gender reveal parties.
Your late 20s and early 30s are incredibly confusing. With huge events and celebrations, people are marking all sorts of things: marriages, engagements, graduation, career goals, and babies. And sure, these milestones deserve to be celebrated. Yet, I can’t help but wonder whether others are also thinking the same thing I am when scrolling through their social media and seeing gender reveal parties: It’s time we retire them. Even the person credited with “creating” the gender reveals party trend regrets starting it. In fact, the baby the first-ever gender reveal party was for doesn’t adhere to the colonial gender norms imposed on them vis a vis the party held in their honour before their existence in the world. On the flip side to continuous Instagram stories of pink and blue balloons, some parents have resisted the idea of having a gender reveal party.
Keerthy Ganesh, mom to an almost 10-month-old, decided along with her partner not to hold a gender reveal party for their little one. Ganesh says, “I have no problem with others hosting one of these for their babies, as I have no interest in telling other people how to parent or how to celebrate - but for our child, my partner and I made a conscious choice to not have an entire celebration dedicated to emphasizing heteronormative stereotypes on what it means to be ‘socially acceptable’ boy or girl.” Ganesh also points to the ridiculousness of what these parties actually celebrate. “Gender reveal parties really should be called sex reveal parties - because as we know socially constructed gender and biological sex are NOT the same thing. But how many people would RSVP to a sex reveal party?” Additionally, conflating gender and biological sex results in the erasure of trans and intersex folks.
So, the question remains: why do we keep doing them? And by “we,” I’m specifically talking about cishet couples who flood timelines with extravagant spectacles that always result in some explosion of blue or pink colours. The prevalence of this trend, especially among couples in my age bracket, continues to point to the gap in conversations we are having about the harm associated with imposing and upholding gender binaries. But the answer is simple. It starts with acknowledging the harm and proactively challenging those around us who continue to participate in this trend. The acknowledgment and the action: Gender reveal parties are violent. Next time: decline the invitation and let the parents-to-be know that what they are doing is harmful. And while some might argue that this may be rude, let me remind you that the alternative is far worse. Reinforcing colonial understandings of gender contributes to the erasure of non-binary, gender non-conforming, genderqueer, trans and Two Spirit people. It robs people of the right to exercise autonomy over their bodies. As folks consider becoming parents, it’s important to also consider how you will respect this right for your children.
S Datt, a soon-to-be mom, pointed to the relationship between gender reveal parties and the harm that comes with enforcing gender on unborn children. She states, “there are deep concerns regarding gender reveal parties and how they reinforce harmful binaries. This is done by reinforcing the idea that blue (literally) means boy, and pink means girl, and that gender identities are the same as sex assigned at birth.” S Datt continues, “My partner and I decided against having a gender reveal party because they limit our unborn child by assuming that the sex of the baby is how they will undoubtedly identify. Instead, we want to embrace gender fluidity and challenge binary thinking and heteronormativity.” As S Datt highlights, the sex assigned at birth and gender identity has zero correlation. Binary views of gender do not consider the complexity of gender and gender identity. But for parents-to-be, being open to learning and challenging heteronormative social constructions of gender is key to remaining committed to your child’s safety.
“Gender reveal parties are violent. Next time: decline the invitation and let the parents-to-be know that what they are doing is harmful. ”
S Datt shines a light on an essential responsibility people take on when they become parents: negotiating consent without compromising their child’s agency and autonomy over their bodies. Sex-Educator Nadine Thornhill, who specializes in child and adolescent sexuality, outlines that since young children cannot consent independently, parents must negotiate consent on their behalf. This also includes conversations with not just your child but also the people you bring into their lives. Children deserve homes that respect their bodies and their choice of how they want to express themselves. For those in need of parental role models: Athlete Dwayne Wade and actress Gabrielle Union are doing it incredibly well by supporting and respecting their child Zaya. While they have also admitted to learning along the way, Wade and Union are leading by example on what it looks like to raise children with respect.
It is crucial, however, to commit to creating a safe space early. As in, as early as refusing to hold a gender reveal party for your unborn child. Instead, commit to unlearning and relearning the harm associated with gender binaries. As parents-to-be, commit to your child’s wellbeing. As members of society, commit to fighting for a more inclusive world by starting at home.
A friendly reminder: please don’t ask queer folks to educate you. This is labour you should take on yourself, and this process of unlearning and relearning should be ongoing. Below is a non-exhaustive list of resources for folks who are looking to make these commitments:
Planned Parenthood has incredible resources and definitions on its site for folks early on in their unlearning and relearning process. Linked is their definition of sex and gender.
Brightly has compiled a list of books that discuss gender with children. These books are a great place to start talking about the social construction of gender and stereotypes that follow. These might even make for a great gift for parents whose gender reveal party invite you just turned down.
Gender Spectrum has excellent resources to learn about the gender spectrum and gender fluidity. Linked is their resource hub that has a search bar up top that makes it easy for folks to narrow down the topics they’d like to learn about.
