Establishing the link between Sex & Pleasure
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There are many reasons why my partner and I have a happy sex life, whether it be communication, unconditional love, or honesty. However, something that laid the foundation for our emotional and physical relationship was his genuine approach to asking for consent. When I met my partner, I was instantly attracted to him, and we spent lengthy amounts of time texting and going on casual dates before labelling our relationship. I remember finding him charming and handsome which made me hesitant about rushing into a physical relationship; especially since I had recently ended a long-term relationship. I wanted to take things slow and make sure that I wasn’t rushing into anything when I wasn’t feeling fully emotionally available. I wanted to protect myself and ensure that I had healed from my former turbulent and toxic break-up. While I was desperate to move on with my life and have new sexual experiences, I wanted it to at my pace.
The context was perfect, I lived in a different city for school while he was a young working professional. The distance truly allowed me to control the pace of our relationship in a way that permitted my healing while enjoying the excitement of a casual new prospect. We had been talking for about six months, each of us living in different cities and going on dates whenever I was in town, allowing me to slowly grow comfortable with him. Finally, one night, after one too many cocktails at a dive bar and some audacious flirting, I gave in and brought him home. I wasn’t scared of him as the person I had grown to know, but I was terrified of my first sexual encounter after my former toxic partner. Was this going to lead to regular casual sex? A one-night stand? What is one-night stand etiquette? Were we going to have sexual chemistry? What if I needed to leave the situation? Can I kick him out if I’m uncomfortable? He’s obviously done this before, what if I’m horrible by comparison? All these thoughts were racing through my head while we were alone in my room for the first time. However, him asking me for consent, not just then but throughout our relationship, changed our journey as a couple.
While the most obvious and important reason for consent is giving an individual autonomy over their body and providing a safe space, there are additional periphery benefits. Consent should not only be viewed as a rigid precaution but also a tool to improve communication. Instead of simply a yes or no question, it’s a dialogue that should be used to navigate all sexual relations with a person.
In a study published in July 2020, conducted by Marcantonio, Willis and Jozkowski, a starting point was created for finding the relationship between sexual satisfaction and consent:
“Consent should not only be viewed as a rigid precaution but also a tool to improve communication. Instead of simply a yes or no question, it’s a dialogue that should be used to navigate all sexual relations with a person. ”
These are the findings of just one study in an area that thoroughly under-researched. It is likely that with more research, these correlations will become more pronounced, justifying the necessity of more sex-positive education. Today, men are often taught, begrudgingly, to ask for consent to protect themselves, as perpetrators, from sexual assault allegations. This is problematic for many reasons, but young men often miss that consent doesn’t just protect bodies. It has the potential to improve sexual relationships. The utmost important aspect of consent is providing safety, dignity and control to all parties engaging in a particular sexual encounter. However, an inadvertent bonus can be the safe space it provides, allowing individuals to express their sexuality wholly, thus, making sex all the more pleasurable.
