Fears of ‘Back to Normal’
Image: Unsplash
Last week, I purchased a safety keychain. The keychain comes with a window tool, a whistle, an LED light with an alarm, and a hand sanitizer bottle and pouch (because of the pandemic, of course). All the items hang on a wristlet, complete with a fluffy pompom for added effect. I’ had been thinking about getting a safety keychain for a while, but multiple lockdowns later, I pushed off buying one. I didn’t click “add to cart” until realizing that social gatherings and public spaces may be opening again started to settle in my mind. The anticipation of returning to ‘normal’ reminded me of the reason I was nervous about leaving the house before the pandemic: lack of safe spaces for women.
Before the pandemic, I like many other women, I’m sure, practiced extra precautions when leaving the house. I sent my location to my friends, kept them on speaker while taking an Uber, held my keys between my fingers while walking home, and avoided wearing ponytails. I mapped out every moment I spent outside, memorized public transportation routes and timings, and made a note of any exits in any closed spaces. I carefully mapped every minute I spent outside of my house and even visits to the grocery store were packed with anxiety. Despite always being prepared, my resistance to going out refused to disappear. That is until the pandemic hit.
“The anticipation of returning to ‘normal’ reminded me of the reason I was nervous about leaving the house before the pandemic: lack of safe spaces for women.”
Over the past year, staying at home resulted in the sense of relief I hadn’t felt before. Not having to plan out a different exit strategy every day coupled with the privilege of having a supportive household calmed my anxiety. I gave myself a break from being cautious of every space I entered because I no longer had to physically be present at school, work, or any type of social gathering. I was in control of my surroundings. There were no surprises and no one I didn’t want in my space. However, as countries have rolled out their vaccination plans and people having been reminiscing online about ‘returning to normal’ especially regarding social gatherings, the anxiety of going outside crept back into my everyday thought process. Would “going outside” be any different? How do we enjoy returning to normal when “normal” has never been safe for us? When bars and other social spaces open, will they be dedicated to ensuring everyone’s safety? How do we prepare for all of this?
My anxieties aren’t necessarily about going outside; It is far more complicated than that. Having control of my surroundings intertwines with my fears of unsafe spaces. Having control meant I knew how everything would pan out. The truth is I may never have to use my safety keychain, but it isn’t entirely about that. I see it as a personal floating device, a lifebuoy of sorts. Holding on to the keychain arms me with a plan if things go awry. As I return to the thoughts of employing multiple strategies that help me navigate “the outside” safely, I remind myself that I don’t have to do this alone. I remind myself to call in folks I trust to help ease the process of going out and turn to community support to build safer spaces.
