What Happens After The Bidaai: Unpacking Consent In Marriage
Content Warning:
This article mentions rape.
A marital union within the South Asian culture tends to be celebrate with the glitz and glamour of an extravagant party, gifts, taals, and splashing out in every way possible. The events seem never-ending, but when the party dies down and the guests disappear, what happens? While there is ultimately a difference between an arranged marriage and a forced marriage – that difference being choice and the person’s consent, there is the question of the power and control in relationships. In the marriage itself, especially when arranged, it can be challenging to navigate the roads leading to sex and consummation – particularly when family and society raise you with the belief of sex being shameful and taboo. Consummating the marriage on the wedding night might be tradition, but if the bride is uncomfortable and is not yet ready, if she doesn’t want to, is her choice respected or disregarded?
Consent in marriages appears to be a grey area, one that is rarely explored – more so within our culture. Our elders, if they even bother to discuss sex with us, prioritize a male’s pleasure, no matter how exhausted, drained, or sick the wife is. Sex is solely for his pleasure; something is taken from us, without receiving anything in return. My culture taught me to never say no to my husband, when I get married. In India, marital rape is still not criminalized – one of the exceptions is if the wife is under 15 years of age, when truthfully it shouldn’t matter what age the woman is. 70 percent of women are domestically abused in India, under that falls marital rape. In Pakistan, 20-30 percent of women face a form of domestic violence. There is an even bigger issue with this form of violence, as the victims themselves fail to realize that they are being violated. In Nepal, a survey was conducted with over 300 women and 56.6 percent of them reported being raped in their marriage. For many of these women, they cannot leave their husbands due to the cultural stigma attached to abuse, the lack of a support network and especially financial security. In Bangladesh, marital rape is still not criminalized.Dobash and Dobash (1992) say that sexual abuse is often tolerated by cultural beliefs that uphold the superior position of men, the sacredness of the family and women’s socioeconomic dependency on men.
“Consummating the marriage on the wedding night might be tradition, but if the bride is uncomfortable and is not yet ready, if she doesn’t want to, is her choice respected or disregarded? ”
Our culture teaches our women, from birth, that we must submit to our husbands’ every desire. Women are not taught about their pleasure, the one they can get from sexual activities, but taught that they come second, and it is a way to have children. The mere mention of sex is shameful, yet another added layer to this perpetual cycle of violence. For fear of ruining the family’s name and reputation, we put izzat first. I know women who have been raped by their husbands yet have stayed in the marriage due to stigma, and abuse being overlooked in the name of izzat and sharam.
Women of Bangladeshi origin are forced to endure abuse – constantly hearing “what will people say?” to silence our voices. Consent and the right to say no is a lesson that women need to learn, even in long-term relationships, subverting from the age-old demands telling them to lay like a starfish and take what they’re given in bed, no matter how they feel in the moment. Society upholds a mirage of the wives they expect women to be: good and dutiful, always obeying their husbands, and always consenting to sex. This further perpetuates a culture of rape and a power imbalance because they feel as if they can’t say no, even if they remain silent and their body language is screaming no. Our culture raised men to take control and lord it over women’s heads, as figures of authority within the family household and dynamics.
The discussions – or lack thereof – around consent and sex within the South Asian community shape the cultural norms and practices, especially within a marriage. Violations of a woman’s body are too often justified through cultural values, making it appear to be “ethically permissible” (Mazumdar, 1998). Patriarchal authority and control of female sexuality are values related to the construction of gender roles, where femininity is defined as submissive, inferior, docile, self-sacrificing, nurturing, good moral values, social dependency and chastity. This leads to the socialization of women being taught the importance of virginity and remaining ‘pure’ and ‘good and dutiful wives’. The South Asian culture asserts a high level of honour to a woman’s purity and thus socialized to believe that premarital sex results in loss of family honour, along with shame, stigma, and social ostracism if it gets out. Women have to fulfil their husband’s sexual desires, without addressing their own. Masculinity, then, is defined as power, virility, and ability to control women’s morality and sexuality. Since women are socialized to believe their sexual purity is of utmost importance, men believe their sexual needs are natural.
The double standard in the South Asian culture puts women at the bottom. The power imbalance of gender is rife and still thriving today. Women need to be able to escape these chains binding them to abuse and a culture attributing honour to a woman’s vagina. Speaking up is a terrifying thought, and for women just getting married, it is vital to learn more about sex, their bodies, and pleasure. Consent should not be a grey area and women should not be silenced by a culture that has legitimatized male dominance and female subordination in a patriarchal order.
This is only one part of a larger picture. Continuous research needs to take place as a framework to support women in South Asian communities, as suggested by Dr HarrisonSenior Lecturer in Law at the University of Hull, and Professor Gill, Criminologist at the University of Roehampton:
Compulsory sex education on healthy relationships – beginning with age-appropriate learning in primary schools and continuing through secondary school.
The introduction of community workers and peer support – who attach themselves to the venues and groups women are ‘allowed’ to go to – to help bridge the gap between victims and support agencies.
Novel approaches to awareness-raising such as community-lead debates.
The introduction of more ‘safe’ venues children’s centres, women’s centres or drop-in centres where several charities and services are all housed under one roof.
