Invasion of Privacy
Image: Unsplash
This piece is written with mutual consent from both parties. Both parties have agreed to the publishing of the details as it relates to the termination of pregnancy. The writer and the other individual have agreed this content is for the purpose of unpacking stigma, normalizing conversations around reproductive choice and for the writer's healing. This piece does not aim to harm either party involved, there is no malicious intent in this piece and is the writer's experience alone.
Physiological experiences are often encapsulated on a molecular level where those traumas become ingrained in our psyche. Growing up, conversations of reproductive choices were rare, in fact, I would say I never had these conversations, not even within the educational system. My hopes are by writing on my own experience of terminating a pregnancy, I can shed light on the psychological and physiological impacts a procedure like this could have.
I was fairly young when I found out I had missed my period following being intimate with my then-boyfriend. At the time, I did not think much about it as my understanding of intimacy and safe sex were limited. To be fair, I was under the impression the pull-out method was effective. However, when I awoke some weeks later feeling nauseous and wanting to throw up, craving food I would have otherwise never wanted, a red flag went up for me. Could I possibly be pregnant? If I could be frank, I was not concerned. I had already made my decision well in advance. If I were to end up conceiving, I would terminate the pregnancy as that was something I was not ready for. I was confident in this choice however, as resolute as I was, nothing could prepare me mentally or physically for the multiple invasions I was going to experience.
Pregnancy is a beautiful experience for those who are ready for that journey. I experienced resentment and anger, frustration and hatred. I felt growing pains embedded within my uterus, where it hurt to lay flat. Although that moment of conception was brief, the memories of laying on the floor adding pressure to my abdomen to alleviate the internal pain were all too haunting. Writing this has images of the window and the pink walls of my room illuminated by the morning light flashing through memory. I spent hours on the floor during summer break thinking over and over in my mind on how to end this pregnancy. It may sound cruel to say but the reality was, I hated that fetus growing within me. Conversations with my then-boyfriend were supportive - him living in a different city made the process of this journey unbearable.
“I was confident in this choice however, as resolute as I was, nothing could prepare me mentally or physically for the multiple invasions I was going to experience.”
It was Google that revealed a potential list of "women's clinics" otherwise known as abortion centres. I did my research and found the closest one to my home. I embarked on this journey of termination with a friend, but the experience of it all was isolating. I remember walking into the clinic, confident with my choice. I would say I was confident throughout the entire process. I checked in and waited to be called in for the next phase of the process. I was taken in to speak with someone who did some blood work and prepared me for the extraction process. To be fair, I don’t remember any of that conversation – I was feeling sick and truthfully just wanted the process done and over with.
When I got inside, I was told to lay down on a medical bed and put my legs up. They asked me if I wanted medication to help me and I told them I did not. When they put my leg up I was told to relax, I did as they said and soon enough, a cold object was inserted into my vagina and some uncomfortable scrapes later, a medical disk was closed with some red fluids and bits in it before it was disposed of. I followed the path with my eye to the biological waste bin before I was taken to the recovery room. I was taken into the recovery area to wait a while before being discharged home. I was not alone, as one person left, another would come in. A service that so few people would know about was there for women like me, something I am eternally grateful for.
I know there are other women like me, who experienced this. I remember a Tamil girl who walked in as I walked out. A deep urge to want to hug her and give her words of strength continue to sit with me as a memory of that day. An underlying sadness still remains, that was my sister, cut off the same cloth. I wish I had the strength then to let her know she was not alone. I think about her often, how she must be doing, if she was okay and whether she was able to move past this experience through acceptance. I think of the physical toll the procedure had on my body and whether she had support following the procedure. I hope she has healed.
Once I was back in my space, I disconnected from everyone completely. I internalized what I was feeling and how I was feeling but the reality was, I was not okay. I thought about my choice in passing, I grieved the process as much as I could however, it took me a good five years before I was able to actually heal. I partially blamed my then partner who weaponized the termination of the pregnancy during arguments. We could not come to a common understanding on how to process the grief and we went our own ways. Truthfully, I held onto immense guilt, anger and resentment.
“I know there are other women like me, who experienced this. I remember a Tamil girl who walked in as I walked out. A deep urge to want to hug her and give her words of strength continue to sit with me as a memory of that day. ”
My journey to healing from this loss came forward through another friend. Someone who I felt safe and comfortable to open up to. She gave me space and opportunity to share about this traumatic experience and we found a way for me to accept this experience and move on from it. As I said, it took me many years to even tell someone. I never once regretted my decision, however, I did regret the way in which I treated myself and whatever cellular being was within me. Healing came through compassion and love, towards myself and towards what I chose to let go of.
Unfortunately, our community has socially disapproved conversations on sexual and reproductive health to the point where young women, like myself felt lost. I hope this brief narration destabilizes social taboos. I hope this serves as a reminder of the immense strength of humans, their right to choice and the ongoing need for social education and dismantling of reproductive limitations. For those who are feeling alone, those who’ve felt alone, those who may embark on this journey in the future. Know that the choice you made was the one that was right for you in that moment of your life. The choice you made is valid and no one can ever take that away from you.
Resources:
I strongly encourage you to do as much research as you can before you choose a clinic.
Choice in Health Clinic – (647) 340 – 3202 (Provide services to those not covered by OHIP)
Bloor West Village Women's Clinic - (416) 849-4595
Cabbagetown Women’s Clinic – (416) 323 – 0642
Morgentaler Clinic – (416) 932-0446
Women’s Care Clinic – (416) 256 – 4139
Mississauga Woman's Clinic - (905) 629-4516
