Losing your Libido During Lockdown
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When my girlfriend and I met, our attraction was instant and electric. Everywhere and anywhere was go time! We were consumed by each other and spent evenings and mornings having sex in most places. However, that all began to change the more the pandemic became a reality.
People went from making jokes about affordable air travel to the stark reality of lockdowns, hospital rooms, unemployment, and fear. It became clear these were going to be uncertain times, and things were going to change, but I had no idea what a toll it would take on my mental health.
My relationship took a step forward amidst the chaos ensuing in the world when we moved in together. Initially, I was ecstatic. We could be together all the time. However, as more borders closed, more shops went out of business, I eventually got furloughed. My optimism left. And so did my libido.
The more the world seemed to be on fire, the closer my girlfriend wanted to be while it had the complete opposite effect on me. Sex never crossed my mind. It only came up when I thought about how I felt bad for her that I no longer wanted it.
I started to avoid even a kiss because I thought my girlfriend might interpret it as a signal for sex or a way of initiating something that I could not finish. Life was sapping my energy, and it left me mentally exhausted. I didn’t want to add the guilt of denying her sex on things that I may have done wrong that day.
The decline of my libido was met with a rise in my girlfriend’s. She experienced an increase in sexual desire. It became clear that sex was a coping mechanism to stay connected and relieve anxiety for her. Whereas my coping mechanism was going into a “power-saving” mode. All my energy was going towards surviving the day, to stop from unravelling.
I can see she thinks I no longer desire her; I can see her pain because sex was such a pivotal part of our relationship. The more stressful the outside world became, the more she needed it. Whereas for me, the more stressful life became, I started to shut down.
Living together has helped aspects of our relationship but worked against us in the sex department. Home was always a place for me to relax and rest. Now that I share one, I no longer have the space to breathe and release the world as I did before and to make space for other feelings like my sex drive.
The pandemic has triggered all sorts of anxiety and depression for me, which has affected my libido. I think this is because intimacy involves a level of trust and security that I no longer have due to the pandemic. Everything I thought I knew I no longer do and everyone I thought I would see every day, I haven’t seen in months. I have become more emotionally guarded while my girlfriend is experiencing a surge in reckless abandonment. We are both handling the pandemic in our way while actively trying to meet in the middle.
