Walking on Eggshells
CW: This article mentions abuse and manipulation.
Image: Unsplash
Elle Magazine featured singer FKA twigs on their cover this month. In the issue, twigs recounted the manipulation and abuse she experienced in her relationship with actor Shia LaBeouf. The Elle article centred twigs’ narrative while drawing on the civil lawsuit she filed against LaBeouf. The article, and many others that covered the story, highlighted the word ‘love bombing,’ a form of manipulation that is often characterized as using overwhelming affection to win someone’s trust. twigs used this phrase to explain the kind of manipulation and abuse she experienced in her relationship with the actor.
“Do you know what love bombing is?” my friend asked me after we watched the new Britney Spears documentary, Framing Britney. After watching the documentary our conversation had turned to discussing different forms of abuse. My friend, a huge fan of twigs, had read the entire civil lawsuit. She proceeded to tell me what twigs had experienced. And while I would have felt a pit in my stomach every time someone explained experiences of emotional abuse, this time I hadn’t felt much of an internal response. Reaching this point, required and continues to require a lot of learning.
When I didn’t have the words to express how I was feeling or what I was experiencing, the picture in my mind felt incomplete, blurry. Not having the language to describe my experiences pushed me further into a corner. Learning the term “love bombing” transformed the way I reclaimed my story. What people don’t tell you is the power of language and the role it plays in healing.
“Which one of these words describes the knot in your stomach,” my therapist asked me as I sat in her office unable to explain my feelings. I stared at the page and scanned down column after column searching for a word that made sense, for a word that fits. Using the word anxious just wasn’t sufficient. She pointed me towards different forms of therapy that centred on knowledge transmission as a step toward understanding my responses to years of manipulation.
“Not having the language to describe my experiences pushed me further into a corner. Learning the term “love bombing” transformed the way I reclaimed my story. What people don’t tell you is the power of language and the role it plays in healing. ”
An information guide titled “Women, Abuse, and Trauma Therapy,” by the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) outlines several forms of trauma therapy including psychoeducation and cognitive-behavioural therapy. The former “teaches about different psychological processes and how they affect people. Psychoeducation in trauma therapy may include information about the effects of trauma in both the short-term and long-term; information about how trauma can affect the body, emotions and development; and information about abuse and neglect.” The latter is a type of therapy that uses many different methods, including cognitive techniques (which address how you think and deal with information) and behaviour techniques (which address your reactions to trauma).” Both methods helped me understand the power of education in stepping into my healing journey.
Learning the words, processes, and systemic inequalities that contribute to mental health allowed me to recognize the intertwined network of harm wrapped around our communities. The language I learned to help express the thoughts in my mind began to unravel the knot in my stomach. Writing down words, later sentences released the emotions kept captive by harm.
Some days, like broken faucets, words pour onto the page. Other days I wait and wait, only to be greeted by excruciatingly painful dry spells. Most days fall somewhere in between. We don’t always have the words to express how we feel. And that’s okay.
