This Heavy Silence
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The taboo on sex is almost a running joke for South Asian youth, especially in the West. Secret lovers, kisses stolen in the dark of night, virginal fumbling in the backs of cars in hopefully empty parking lots – it's our unofficial induction into adulthood, and either you or someone you know has been through it. It makes for a good story in any case – the incessant visits to the "library" and climbing out of windows. When that stress is washed by the tide of time, it becomes a thrill, enticing and impermanent enough to be funny.
I usually get a good chuckle when I mention that I've never seen the endings of most Disney movies – the kissing is too salacious for my mother. A friend told me, with a laugh, that her parents often skip the song/dance scenes in Bollywood and Kollywood films. A man touched the bare skin of a woman's hip, and the TV was turned off. A woman sat at the edge of her bed, drying her hair and her bare calf showing – avert your eyes, children, for this is far too much. It was absurd, and it is familiar; now, it's an easy gag.
“Secret lovers, kisses stolen in the dark of night, virginal fumbling in the backs of cars in hopefully empty parking lots – it’s our unofficial induction into adulthood, and either you or someone you know has been through it.”
The taboo on sex begins there: strictures on what is and isn't appropriate to see and discuss. Directives aren't usually necessary; the frequent conflation of sex with dirtiness, of its place in conversation, is ingrained early. And it persists into adolescence. Of the people I interviewed, almost none recall having a clear conversation regarding sex with their parents; for most South Asian adolescents, the closest thing they have to "the talk" is being told not to have sex or sexual thoughts until one is married and that doing otherwise would bring shame to the family. Family honour becomes a mantle we carry; none more so than those assigned females at birth who are more specifically restricted, through what they wear and who they befriend, not to shame themselves or their parents. There is a blatant lack of safe spaces for South Asians to discuss and explore sex and sexuality. It's entrenched in the literature; in a paper titled "Critically Understanding South Asian Sexual Health: A Call for a Holistic and Sex Positive Approach", Ali et al. reference several studies that have found that open discussion about sex and sexuality is a taboo in South Asian households. As the authors state, "[t]he pervasive stigma and shame toward sex reinforce a heavy silence regarding expressions of sexuality."
The effects of this heavy silence are not well researched among the South Asian diaspora (Ali et al., 2020); however, it has, at least in some cases, led to the delay in understanding sex. Respondents have consistently reported that they've had to "learn things on [their] own." This isn't conducive for healthy sexual exploration; feeling lost, confused, frustrated, and guilty were commonly mentioned.
Masturbation was also noted as an uncomfortable, confusing, guilt-inducing experience initially. Touching one's genitals is frequently thought of as dirty. For one person, even sitting on their hands or accidentally brushing certain areas would be admonished. One person said that "it was confusing, to be honest, because I wasn't sure if whether what I was feeling was right and, if so, should I even be doing this. I wasn't completely comfortable as I don't live on my own and the fact that I had to heavily rely on the internet. [I] felt like I was doing something I shouldn't be doing."
Many of the respondents who explored self-pleasure reported that it helped them feel more comfortable with the idea and their desire for sex; nonetheless, some mentioned that they require specific conditions to masturbate. An invading sense of guilt and fear of being caught pushes these people to not get undressed, stay underneath a blanket, or primarily masturbate at night. Some South Asian young adults eventually seek out safe spaces to explore sex in the public settings of our funniest stories; respondents recounted their own or their friends' foray into sex in the backs of cars, stairwells, changing rooms, public washrooms, parties, the woods. One person discussed how these settings lack safety and privacy, which, in turn, made her feel exposed, stressed, and uncomfortable. Sexual exploration then becomes rushed and illicit and does little more than reinforce the taboo and secrecy shrouding sex.
In the face of the heavy silence around sex, it is easy for knowledge concerning it to be second-hand and questionable. Pearls of Wisdom are often gleaned from friends, books, movies, and school. Sexual education programs are an excellent opportunity to educate adolescents about sexual health; however, it is far too common that these programs are not informative or sex-positive. It is, therefore, depressingly easy for South Asian young adults to be misinformed about sex; particularly, safe and pleasurable sex.
