Why Should Men Have All The Fun?
Image: Unsplash
Sexual pleasure for women is considered a big taboo in South Asia, especially in Pakistan. People consider it indecent to discuss ‘sex’, and when there is a link between a woman and the word ‘sex’, the reactions becomes worse. Throughout time, people have often shown disgust towards women who are sexually active or open up about their experiences. Labels are thrown at them which denote bad character.
However, with the changing time, many women in Pakistan are finally realizing that they too can enjoy sex. They are now mustering up the courage to talk about female sexual pleasure, any issues they face and even seek advice.
Syeda, a stay-at-home mother, had a very traditional introduction to sex. Like many other women in Pakistan, her wedding night was the first time she had sex. Back when she was 17, she thought it was wrong for a woman to think about sex. “I felt as if it was just a duty for women in marriage and desiring pleasure from it isn't ‘natural’,” she shared. However, her view around it changed when she was 22 and realized that enjoying intercourse should not be shameful for women.
“The first time we had sex, after my period, it was excruciating and uncomfortable. We had to stop at one point. I couldn't find any answers online, so I posted on a local Facebook group for women asking for advice. The main consensus was that my vaginal muscles were probably still sore from the sex and I needed to wait a few more days to give them a chance to recover. It was strange, honestly, but I took the advice, waited for a while and it was all good.” She added that she never felt the need to post as an anonymous member because sex is a very natural act.
Thirty-year-old Mona* was in her late teens when she discovered that sex could be pleasurable for women too. And while she hasn't been sexually active, she's keen on exploring her likes and dislikes through masturbation, but that was not always the case. "Masturbation always seemed so alien to me. I never understood the concept of someone pleasuring themselves, it was like making love to yourself and that notion seemed so ridiculous and funny. I thought men are supposed to give us pleasure and vice versa, so I was never tempted to try it myself."
Mona added that it was only till a few years ago that her friend told her about pleasurable herself without the man’s help. "My friend mentioned she can help herself to multiple orgasms, a feat no man was able to achieve for her. This feeling of being able to pleasure herself without needing anyone and being self-reliant felt empowering. I told her I found it odd to touch myself and didn't understand how people did it. I would much prefer to be made love to by someone. She replied, 'How will the man pleasure you if you don't even know what pleasures you?' And I was stunned. I had never thought of it that way."
She continued that she had never thought about sex that way at all. However, ever since the conversation, Mona's perspective towards masturbation and sex has changed. Although she is yet to masturbate, she wants to try it. "I plan on buying a sex toy. I've been scouting for one online. There are so many varieties. It's kind of exciting!”
Twenty-nine-year-old Amna* shared that she knew about sex because she took biology back in school but there were never any discussions about women getting pleasure from the act too. “Media and porn also never really spoke about female pleasure which made it very difficult to search about it. When I started having sex, it was very painful and I wondered if this is how it was supposed to feel. It was only later when I starting exploring myself that I realized what I liked.”
Mariam, who is currently married, confessed that she knew about sex being a means of pleasure for women for the longest time and added that there have been times where she did not find it enjoyable. “For me, talking during sex works the best. This way, neither of us are disappointed. I feel that communicating your likes and dislikes to your partner is key. We would try new positions for fun and discover what we liked and came with our favourites ones that helped us both. I’ve wanted to try sex toys but never could get my hands on any of them.”
While social media and online communities have served as a safe space for many Pakistani women, the country is still far from openly discussing anything to do with female sexual intimacy or pleasure. But it’s not only the women who are now becoming more open to such discussions.
Men are also realizing that discussions on sexual pleasure for women should take place, without having any shame attached to it. Thirty-year-old Furqan says, “Male masturbation is discussed openly across the country. A group of men talking about it is considered normal, whereas, if women were even so much as overheard talking about it, they would be labelled indecent or someone who lacks good character.”
A 34-year-old married man, a father of two, believes that sexual pleasure for women is as essential as it is for men. However, the stigma attached to it prevents many from talking about it. He stated, “For most Pakistanis, a woman is just a reproduction machine. People consider it a violation of secrecy if any remote discussion is held on sexual pleasure of females.”
Likewise, a currently single 28-year-old Farhan, who has been sexually active in the past, feels that such a taboo originates from the same reasons as many other taboos in the country do. “The repressive attitude towards a woman’s need for sexual pleasure stems from religious misinterpretation of the issue.”
To conclude, it’s important to understand that while sexual pleasure for women is still considered a taboo, some are still trying to normalise such conversations and highlight its importance. But the crux of the matter remains the same - which is that the only reason women shy away from talking about it is because of the shame that the rest of the community has associated with it.
