Ghosting and the Hauntings That Follow
Image: Unsplash
"I felt like a toy because I knew I got played."
Ghostee #1, getting right to gut punch
Has your life been affected by someone ghosting you? Do your side effects include loss of self, little confidence, a speck of trust and a giant pit in your stomach? You, dear reader, may be eligible for compensation.
Most of us have been there. The "great connections" we form that just *poof*. Did they die? Did they forget to pay their phone bill? No, you've just been ghosted. Do you ever truly get over it, or will this ghost haunt your future dates? Well, on your journey of self-discovery, we're here to say: you're not alone. Grab some cookies and settle in.
After the disappearing act, there you are, with nothing but confusion and emotional trauma. You started to create an image of them that was utterly shattered, along with your ability to trust others. Follow the nights we blame ourselves, wondering how our intuition got it wrong, searching for what part of our personality caused someone to evaporate out of existence.
"I just want some feedback. Please fill out this rubric so I can improve."
Ghostee #2, taking a quantitative approach
Break-ups are rarely kind, yet easier to move on from with some closure. Without it, doubt burrows deep and we go into future relationships second-guessing their intentions, ourselves, and never actually opening up. We think if we masterfully tiptoe around who we are, we'll prevent ghosting.
Once, a guy said, "I love you", then ghosted me two weeks later. I was young and grew up watching too many period dramas. I thought what everyone initially thinks: people will always mean what they say and be straightforward. What more, I had broken my hand the day before. I was physically and emotionally broken. My soul crumbled, and I found it hard to be kind to anyone. I was in such disbelief that people could be this apathetic.
"You can be ghosted by someone you've been dating for a while. It's called being emotionally unavailable. They still have ghosting tendencies because they rather run away."
Ghostee #3, spitting the facts
At the time, it was a black sky. I felt angry, unwanted, fed up, and alone. Even after talking to friends, you still feel alone; it's not happening to them. It's happening to you. Looking back, I think, "My gosh, that could've been much worse, don't sweat it. That was a speck in the painting; there are many amazing experiences to come in your life".
Listen, you can't blame yourself for how you react. No two people process the same way, no matter how much your friends might think you do. Overthinking is the star in dating life. "Is my lack of opening up due to my fear of being rejected the reason?" "Is it because I overthink?" "Is it because I like pineapples on my pizza?". Maybe. No two people process the same way, remember? We only control how we react to the ebb and flow.
"I used to ghost all the time because I was afraid of commitment; whenever things were going well, and I started getting closer to someone, I just ran. It's the easiest thing to do rather than confront them and talk it out. I didn't have the courage to talk about my feelings."
Friend and former serial ghoster, guilty of repeatedly vanishing after two months.
Here is the revelation: nothing will stop a person from ghosting. While you are thinking one thing, the other could be in a different world. That is the horror of dating: you never know exactly what is happening in their minds unless they did something strange, like communicate. Now don't get all smarmy and say, "Well, what do you want me to do, say everything that's on my mind?". No, that's my job. The art of dating is built on a foundation of balanced communication. It relies on knowing yourself, opening up, and both people giving an equivalent amount of effort.
The pain of being ghosted comes from opening yourself up and a stranger prodding inside. You feel exposed, foolish, angry, and then make the mistake of saying you'll never do it again. You start to modify who you are so it's easier for people to digest, but there is a reason self-discovery begins with accepting who you are. Whatever you thought was "too much" for Casper, is enough for the right person. If you find it easy to get over each other's walls, isn't that just good chemistry?
"...it made me think about it more and overanalyze what I did wrong. But ultimately, I didn't do anything wrong. It just wasn't the best match." Ghostee #4, the wise sage
While I don't have a fool-proof way to protect you, think of this: life is just a series of interactions with other humans where every moment could be the last. You could know someone for 5 minutes to a lifetime, and so, dating is a leap of faith. Unfortunately, we don't click with every soul we meet. Sometimes it doesn't work, and we continue to survive as we always have. Spend time with friends, and invest in yourself. Spend more time with yourself and rediscover those solo passion projects. For me, it was writing. I promise you there will be a day you look back and think, "Oh gross. Why did I let them get me sad?". The sinking feeling in your chest will turn into a light breeze; the grinding gears in your mind will turn into an intricate piano melody; your soul will be you again.
