Sincerely, Koushi
Hi!
I'm Koushi – I'm Thamil, vegan, a cis-woman, gay, out (to everyone), studying to become a therapist, working in the slow food industry, part refugee-part immigrant (will explain later), and a settler on Turtle Island.
I don't know where to start to tell my story because living my truth only actually started a few years ago. It took me 27 years to gain the courage, safety, self-love and introspection to stop living life as I'd been prescribed (partly by our Thamil community, enforced by parents) and start following my heart, strength and joy.
Since this piece is for Pride - I want to start here.
I came out to my parents twice. The first time didn't go so well, and I went back into believing I was straight for three more years. During this time, I hurt my ex-partner, myself and really put my life on hold – again – for Amma's approval. I want to be honest about what was said so you can compare to your own experiences – the language used was: "are you sick – in the head," "do you need a therapist," "it's unnatural," " you've been dating boys – you must be wrong"…
I think part of me knew that this was coming, and it finally clicked why I hadn't come out earlier. It had me remembering other homophobic comments from my mom, cousins and classmates over the years. But, on the other hand, there were so many examples of hetero-normative couples in the family and community that were put on pedestals as shining examples of what life 'should' look like and what would make my elders happy.
These are the not-so-subtle ways that homophobic language and community expectations can keep us from being ourselves. I've learned that it is important to re-connect with our minds, bodies and 'guts' to live authentically. This doesn't have to mean leaving everything and everyone behind when you chose yourself. It can just mean that you take what serves you and is healthy and challenge or leave things when you know they're harmful.
The second time, I had already 'achieved' everything I thought would make me acceptable and make Amma (and supposedly myself) happy. I had finished a degree in Accounting at the University of Waterloo, I had completed my CMA-CPA, I had been working for years out of university, and I had a suitable Thamil partner, and I was still feeling really stuck, depressed, and unhappy. I learned to cover this up with an optimistic, happy façade over the years, so it was hard for other people or even myself to tell that it wasn't real.
Then I met my current partner, and everything changed. Instead of imagining a life of pleasing others, I could imagine an eternity of growing together. Instead of hoping for pre-planned milestones like buying a home and starting a family, I imagined going on adventures, learning to live in truth and re-parenting myself. The second time I came out to my family, I was sure, and it was an introduction to my current partner. Their recognition of my authentic joy changed everything.
In my coming out story – I had the privilege of age (coming out later), my family (including siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles) accepting or at least not harassing me, time in university away from family to question, cousins that love me deeply, living in a country where it is legal to be gay, and a safe place at my partners' to feel all the feelings that might come up when you're going through a time like this.
I think that we have the power to create that safe space for each other and other LGBTQ+ youth – or even adults – by being mindful of our language, normalizing alternative relationships and celebrating diverse stories. For example, my partner and I love to share openly about what it's like to live, cook, grow and just be together because it's important to see that love is love is love.
The dream is to have a world where we don't have to re-parent our inner children because we got to have a childhood where we learned to express our true selves without shame, judgement, fear and compliance.
I'm trying hard not to judge myself for the time lost and understanding why this journey has taken a while. I want to offer patience to my inner child as she untangles my 'shoulds' from her real desires. I hope while you grow, you extend generosity and kindness to yourself as well. Society has taught us that change happens through punishment and harsh discipline, where the opposite is actually true.
I think it's impossible to talk about coming out – or not – without touching on family enmeshment, intergenerational trauma, caste and other nuances. That's for another time, though.
Whether you’re out or not, remember that your experience, identity and self are valid. Coming out (or not) is an individual decision that you can make based on your safety, joy and comfort. If you’re seeking support check out a list of organizations focused on queer youth in Toronto including SOY and QAY and the519 here: https://teenhealthsource.com/blog/social-spaces-for-queer-youth-in-toronto/
If you are curious to learn more about your inner child or other LGBTQ+ Diaspora, check out the following accounts:
@southasiantherapists
@the.holistic.psychologist
@ask_anbu
@jaffna_lgbtqia
@counselling4allseasons
Things to research:
Family Enmeshment
Somatic Experience Therapy
Family Systems Therapy
Attachment Theory
Unf*ck Your Boundaries – a great book!
Self Compassion – Kristen Kneff
Happy Pride <3. You can find me @Koushi.in.Training
